I love staying up at night, it’s just George & me , because he doesn’t sleep.
I don’t really mind it, it gives me time to listen to music ( a lot of Leonard Cohen recently.) , to get some cleaning,sewing or ironing done, that sort of thing that doesn’t really get done during the day because there is always something else to do. I still haven’t been to the library & I feel we really must go.
Tomorrow we’ll do that. Really!
Emily has been so very sweet recently, even sweeter than usual.
She likes to hold my hand at night, I am loving that so much, she was a very independent baby & toddler, never really into hugs & kisses, and as much as I hate to admit it, I need that. I need her to hug me, to hold my hand and snuggle.
I’m worried,though, because our Baby, he or she will be here so soon, & I’m worried that Emily might feel like we push her away.
Emily sleeps on one side of me, and George sleeps on the other. I’m not sure how this will change, what we will do,though really it’s more “what will happen” , because I don’t think it’s up to us.
We’ve been getting pretty good at the whole going with the flow thing, we just do what’s right for us, what feels right, and that has been so much better than trying to live up to anyone else’s (or even our own) expectations.
Emily really loves her shadow, she is so happy now whenever she notices it.
She dances with it, and she steps very carefully so that she doesn’t step on it.
I love her style so much, especially the hats, she’s always wearing one these days.
We have been worried about her, there have been a lot of new things to take in, a lot of new opinions & ideas,
but it seems to be figured out now, and it’s okay. She’s okay. (I will share more a different time, it doesn’t quite feel right yet.)
I feel like I can breathe again, I can stop wondering why, or what, or how, and can just hug and enjoy my beautiful little girl, I can stop looking for reasons, I can stop trying to change what I can’t change.
That, in itself, should not depend on anything,though,because I’m here to protect her, to love her, unconditionally. To make damn sure that noone ever hurts my beautiful little one’s feelings.
We were walking to the village the other day, and on the way we met a little boy & his mum. They were walking into the same direction so Emily ran ahead and talked to the little boy, and when it was time to go a different way she said “Bye my friend!!” and he said “I’m not your friend and I don’t want to be!“.
It hurt me so much more than I think it hurt her, she really wasn’t all that bothered by it, but I just wanted to yell at that boy. I mean, I get it, children are honest, they are cruel, and they say what they think, but Emily has got such a big heart, she feels so much love and joy and she doesn’t understand why the other people aren’t interested in sharing that. I don’t know how to protect her from all the potential heartache out there.
George is nearly asleep now, (isn’t Clary Sage wonderful? A bit of that in an oil burner and he is asleep within half an hour!) so I better go & do some of that cleaning I was talking about,